Occasionally, my husband will post some really personal stuff on his Facebook account. Much of it is something that he will compare with his personal experience, and it is rather brutal in its honesty and sometimes it seems like it is very emotionally raw. Recently, he posted this regarding the local Pride celebration this year:
…It took me several years to accept and realize that I might actually be gay (after identifying as bi for a few years) and my times here helped out on that journey as well as other life experiences…
Now wait just a minute. I’ve been aware that he was bi-sexual for several years. He “came out” to me, and at the time, it didn’t matter to me. I didn’t care, it was just another label to attach to him. (This was before his father died and he joined the cult.) I thought it would be fun because we could do some things together, such as see a Chippendale’s show. I even went with him one year to a Pride celebration. I even gave him the freedom to explore his gay side by giving him permission to go to some local gay clubs without me, with the promise that he was looking but not touching. If he touched, he never told. And I never asked. I wasn’t sure I wanted to know.
Now, after the cult, it is painful to read this sort of revelation. What hurts is not the fact that I read it on Facebook instead of him telling me, but it reinforces that my feelings and thoughts don’t matter because it is all about him (a lesson I learned too well in counseling). I still don’t trust him with anything emotional of mine, and yet this feels like another knife in the heart to go along with the others he put there.
I haven’t begun to seek out groups for straight spouses of gay persons. I don’t even have a clue how to begin to process this nugget of information about Hubby being gay. Sometimes I wonder if it is just a delayed reaction because I was numb when he first came out. Sometimes I wonder if it hurts so much more now because I still am raw when it comes to bombs like this after the cult. And sometimes, I think it justifies me meeting my needs how I see fit and without him. That includes the emotional ones.
This is not something I dare to discuss with him without a neutral party present. And I damn sure am not going back to that idiot counselor who basically reinforced that my feelings and needs don’t matter, that it is all about him because I have made things all about me for most of our relationship and that it is his turn. Bullshit. I need to find someone who is experienced in this dynamic, and those people are few and far between. Not to mention, I can’t afford it and I know there isn’t someone like that in the health system Hubby has access to.
I haven’t let on that I saw his post. And I’m not going to. I’m just thinking that this is another cycle that I need to get ready for, and that it will last for about 2 years. It is his pattern. I just dread what will happen after this one ends.